Monday, December 1, 2014


This year has been one of self-discovery, formed by St. Augustine's prayer: “Grant Lord that I may know myself, that I may know you.” 

I've always been an introspective person, so when I started experiencing some anxiety last year, mainly in the form of very vivid nightmares, I started seeing a counselor. I'm not new to counseling, but in the past I've seen my counselors as potential fairy godmothers. Waiting for a wave of the wand to help transform my pumpkin into a carriage, so to speak. 

This year, counseling has been less of a fairy godmother and more of a doorway, leading inward.

More than anything, my counselor asks (often mid-verbal processing unload), "what are you feeling right now?" Seemingly easy to answer, I actually found it difficult to pinpoint what I truly was feeling. My go-to feeling was often 'frustrated' or 'sad.' Great at waiting out the awkward, my counselor would sit patiently as I worked it out. What was really going on inward? When I really paused and considered what I was feeling, it was often something other than what I thought. This would often surprise me, as if I was the only expert on my own self. As I've gained a better grasp on what I think and feel (and why), I've been able to more honestly bring my real self to God. And others. 

Having a supportive husband has helped me along this journey inward. Daniel patiently listens and asks good questions every Monday night as I try to remember my morning's insights and take him along that day's inward path. Daniel helps make the discovery of the unknown infinitely more enjoyable.

A year ago, we were newly engaged. Daydreaming together about our future with so many unknowns. Not knowing where we'd live, he'd work, or how to plan a wedding that honored our values and families. We didn't know a lot of things, but we knew that we were committed to figuring it out together.

A year later, I'm a bit more self-aware, a bit less anxious, and a whole lot more grateful, peaceful and joyful. 


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